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"Our doubts are traitors, 

And make us lose the good we oft might win

By fearing to attempt"

- William Shakespeare

There's nothing like that inner ego to start gnawing away at your self-confidence. Self-doubt is a killer. It's one of my biggest flaws, that fear that grips me into perpetual self-consciousness to do the right thing and be the right person. I've been experiencing the ups and downs of that questioning quite a lot this summer and I'm not sure why. The questioning has been about both my writing and my personal life.  For some reason I feel like the real me is slowly slipping away and I want to bring her back. I'm also afraid I'm not giving the new me a real chance to prove herself. I need to be more patient and trusting, but it's incredibly difficult when you don't want to waste every precious moment you have with no regrets... I'm also doubting my commitment to writing. It'd be easier to just give up and wait till I'm old and desperately wanting to write again , then I'll proceed to sift through all the unfinished notes and documents in my laptop or journal and do something about it. Why am I pushing myself so hard to write all the time when my mind clearly doesn't want to think about plotlines and my butt clearly doesn't want to stay in a chair all day?

This is all making my breezy, light, globe-trotting days a little harder to swallow.

But journaling through it all has helped me. Seeing my thoughts on paper makes it feel like I'm more sensible and I can then read over what I'm feeling and process it better. I guess it's a very writer-ly thing to feel alone and pour your emotions out. I just wish my pensiveness resulted in actual productivity in my projects. I decided it's best to work on the project that is most close to how I'm feeling at the moment since it'll feel more raw and real. Plus it's summer so I can pretty much do whatever I want. Jumping around from project to project is a fickle habit, very appropriate for right now.

That means I'm going to work on the new idea that popped into my head a week or two ago. It's about a Muslim girl and her family who have to go into the Witness Protection Program and how their life alters as they have to keep a cover until the girl can go to trial for the case. The illusion they have to keep strips them from their normal identities, but especially their visible Muslim identities, meaning the girl and her mother stop wearing the hijab. I want the story to discuss all the complexities of what an identity is, what is reality, what is truth and what is destiny. It's also going to have mystery and a bit of action as the girl tries to keep her family safe and figure out how to stay one step ahead of the enemy who is determined to track them down. 

I don't know a whole lot about the Witness Protection Program so I'm reading and researching. It's really really interesting and I'm hoping I can incorporate my knowledge into the story in a believable manner, but at the same time, what's more important is the characters than the actual workings of the WPP system. Still, it would be nice to get it right or as close to right as someone who's not an insider can get. 

Other than that, I'm going to be sketching, working on some poems here and there and hopefully, get a short story done for a Writer's Digest contest if I get it in on time what with my traveling and all. I'd like to write in a London tea/coffee shop and feel like I'm J.K. Rowling. I think that's the inspiration I'd need to finish a darn first draft maybe?