caught in the middle of it all

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"We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence, then, is not an act, but a habit"

- Aristotle

this year has gone by so fast. not the calendar year, but senior year. i have only 2 months to go and i feel so inundated with homework, tests, and bittersweet thoughts of graduation.

getting the Flinn scholarship definitely is the silver lining on the cloud and makes me feel like my life is going to change, hopefully for the better.

there are just so many things going on that i've been sadly neglecting ambrosia, but as soon as school's out, my devotion will be to my novel.

I'm excited to be on campus next year and i plan to join a writing group to help motivate me to finish the thing once and for all. it's very embarrassing when people ask what new things you've been writing and you don't have anything to say about it. i guess you could always go with the lame excuse " I've got a lot of works in progress that aren't ready to be seen.. just yet..."

if writing is not supposed to be an act, but more a habit, then how can i really call myself a writer? if i only write when i have time or when i feel like it, am i really a writer? if you really love something, you're supposed to make time for it, so why am i giving my schedule precedence over my favorite past time?

the time i don't spend physically writing, i dream writing. how sad is that when the only time i have to imagine is in my sleep? i leave a pen and notebook on my bedside table if i somehow wake and need to write down my moment of brilliance that fixes a plot problem or makes me understand a character better.

but i usually can't read my handwriting come morning so next time, i'll try a tape recorder and see if i mumble in my sleep...

getaway

©aster-oid (flickr)

"For all sad words of tongue and pen, the saddest are these, 'It might have been'"

- John Greenleaf Whittier

this day started off well and then turned sour, so i'm in an extremely bad mood. it's very hard to put into coherent words what i'm going through but it has a lot to do with college,choices, decisions, freedom and shelter, growing up and holding back. so i decided to write a poem about it without really being about it. because that's what writers do with their feelings. go figure.

getaway

sometimes i wish i was like Harold and had a purple crayon

i'd draw a sailboat, shiny blue

then i'd draw an ocean too and

dive dive dive

until what was up is down

and the sea is my ceiling

the sky is my floor

i'd talk to coral, fish and weeds

and blow bubbles when i didn't want to listen anymore

i'd sketch a wind so breezy free

that'd shake the earth and uproot trees

and funnel dirt and flowers

so they'd dance together

then i'd draw a hole and let the ocean all dry up

tuck it away in my pocket for a sunny day

i'd be the master of my purple crayon

i came, i saw, i wandered

i'd never share or trade it

nothing in that crayon box is ever worth

my special power

the freedom that is mine

so i place my crayon behind my ear

so i never forget it

feel it nestled against my skin

then sit down

and sigh

reasons to live

"life is pleasant. death is peaceful. it's the transtion that's troublesome."

-Isaac Asimov

well it's almost two months into the new year and i'm starting to sort out my writing priorities now.I finally decided to make Ambrosia my main focus. it won over me: Andrea, her crazy grandmother who sneezes into her salad, Sofia who enjoys men, archery and fake identities and the beautiful lighthouse they live in, ghosts of the past, history catching up with the future, the phoenix and more.

I'm struggling to listen to Andrea's heart about why she's not happy with life. Most people would jump for joy that they get to live forever and rush to do all the things they want to do, right?

Well, one if you're stuck as 16, that's not cool. You'll be forever dependent and too young to do anything.

Two, if you live with a corrupt, greedy family, life's not a picnic, let me tell you.

Watching the Coraline movie today and seeing her simple desire to have fun and want a loving family reminded me of Andrea. She's itching to break free, but doesn't know how. Instead, she's drawn to staying with this horrible family for eternity because she's only just woken up to the fact that she has no where to run to. When your best friends are wire and pliers, you can say life is pretty lame.

All Andrea has grown up with over the 150 some years is war, corruption, sadness and history repeating itself. Her parents think life is about getting as much money as possible but they never spend time to enjoy life. Being from the Industrial Revolution and living through the dumbbell tenements and horrible city conditions, they're running away from that. This is their ticket to heaven. It's always about stealing, stealing and moving to cover it all up. They're ageless Bonnies and Clydes.

What would you do with all that time if you had forever? I think I would go crazy. It's too big of a number to fathom, too open, just too much. How do you know you're doing something worth doing? When is enough enough? Isn't there a time when you finally think- you know what, I think I'm done here, I've done everything I've wanted and I'm ready to go now?

Or do we all have that burning fear that we just can't let go,no matter what?

I'm interested to see what Andrea wants, where she will take herself and how she will cope with the decision- to live or not to live?

that is a hard question to answer, indeed.

new year resolutions

" If there's a book you really want to read, but it hasn't been written yet, then you must write it." ~Toni Morrison

a new year is here, full of new ideas, a new president and new books. so in tradition of making new resolutions that never are fulfilled, i'll attempt to make a few of the changes and/or improvements i'd like to make in 2009, both writing and non-writing related.

Writing
1. Write 10 minutes each day, no matter what, whether it's a story or poem etc.
2. Finish writing either Ayrugal, Ambrosia, or Amirah Hassen (why do all my stories start with the letter A??)
3.Enter the Your Story contest from Writer's Digest.
4. Find another celebrity to interview

Non-writing
1. Keep up my grades and avoid senioritis. (very very difficult)
2. Go to the gym three times a week or treadmill at home. (i'm motivated during break, but during school, i have no energy sadly. that's why i'm destined to be a writer with all the practice i have sitting on my butt all day)
3. Practice the guitar more, so I can actually play songs and not just chords lol
4. Convince my parents to go to London this summer on my own

i hope this year was good to your writing and if it wasn't that you're prepared and optimistic for whatever the next year brings.
Writing feels like a solitary journey, but looking for inspiration and advice of other writers helps so much. I know reading about published authors who go through the same cycle of writer's block, frustration and doubt with the writing process motivates me to keep trying because it's not just me. it's connecting to your inner soul and pushing the imagination to such a high level that makes writing so difficult and thrilling at the same time.
if you haven't thought about writing before, i suggest you do because it's one of the best things to do for yourself next to yoga, massages and eating a slice of cheesecake:)

see you in 2009!

ambrosia the novel

"Writing is an exploration. You start from nothing and learn as you go."
-E.L. Doctorow

photo © http://www.nps.gov/wica/historyculture/images/Lake_Land.jpg

so the idea that inspired my short story "ambrosia" was actually more of a seed to a bigger plant. that's right- a novel.

of all the things i should be doing, starting another novel is NOT one of them.

i'm suffering completely of too-many-ideas syndrome and i have no patience to take the medicine for it.

maybe jumping between ideas is a good thing. keeps me motivated, interested instead of dragging boredom and avoiding my writing by saying i want to give it more space...

i've noticed though that i jump to new ideas when i find a hole in my story that i can't figure out how to fill. there's always a big question that needs to be solved and i can't decide which path i'm going to take because i'm afraid it's not good enough and if i use it, i'll write all this stuff leading up to it and then discover it doesn't work.

it's very agonizing when i get this awesome idea that gets me thinking and i realize i'm going to have to flesh it out major and add subplots and background characters etc. to make it a full novel.

my biggest problem with ayrugal is that i can't figure out Marcela's crime, which is the whole crux of the mystery of the novel. so there's no point in writing more about Adrienne and everyone else, if i don't know what happened then there's no clues to find ....

then the Seventeen fiction contest came along and i got the idea of a girl who tries to poison her family, but they're immortal so nothing happens. I wondered why she would do that and I discovered this desperate, lonely girl who has been the same age for over 100 years and is tired of being immortal. So she goes on this quest to figure out how to get rid of immortality so her corrupt, conmen family will stop what they're doing when they realize they're not invincible.

of course, this is all too much for a 500 word limit story, so I promised myself to hold off on it for a novel. i really really like the idea and i'm motivated to write this.

i just feel bad leaving another project behind to start it.

i guess we'll see how long it takes me to get tired or stuck of ambrosia and then i'll rebound with ayrugal. this is like picking favorites with two children. one way or another, you're going to owe one more time than you can give...

new poem!

© picture by f. ducatti

to celebrate finals being over and break starting, i have a new poem! on to 18 wonderful days of freedom and lots of writing:)

shut out

the door slipped and closed just before i could make it outside
just because you can't see

doesn't mean you can leave me

alone
you can't say i'm gone

just because you've moved on

'cause i won't
my spirit's a stallion, chained up,

but still dreams of the sky

time takes its time but one day i'll take mine

—and then die

©2008 n.aberra

sitting, waiting, wishing

"good things come to those who wait."

- some incredibly lonely person

so that's it.

i finally sent off "ambrosia" after three or four revisions and tons of advice from my friends.

it was weird when i finally got it down to the 500 word limit and re-read it and found that it was so different from how it first came out of my head and i loved it then. but i still love the final version.

what bummed me out was that results won't be made until august 2009. AUGUST?!?

that's in forever.

i don't have that kind of patience. i want to be declared the winner now! or find out i'm a pathetic loser whose story is not worthy of meg cabot's love lol

but the best thing after sending off a story is, of course, to keep writing and start something else.

i'm tempted to try and write another quick story since you can submit as many entries as you want.. but i don't know if its worth it. i spent 2 months on "ambrosia."

i think it's best i get back to my children's novel, currently being called Ayrugal, after the main kingdom.

i know, i know it sounds like Eragon, but it's nothing like it and it wasn't my fault.

it's just hard to write that story because there's so much i don't know about the whole world and the plot; it feels like when you're walking around in the dark and you'd rather just stand and wait for it to get more light so you can keep going.

but i'm pushing through, hoping things clear up. i really like the idea of the story and i really want to finish. doing this writing workshop last summer was an amazing catalyst for Ayrugal, even though i failed to finish the 50,000 word goal. epic fail :]

so in between watching Chuck( why does no one know about this hilarious show???), catching up on a month's worth of Heroes(it is actually good now, people, stop freaking out. i know this because the last episode i watched, my mouth was open in the closing credits, which is a good sign of awesomeness) and figuring out stupid Calculus, i will continue to write in my journal and await the news from Seventeen.

AUGUST?!?!?